Dessert By Candy

Who Said I Don't Have A Hot Temper?

I lost my temper at practice last night because someone jokingly called me names. I've fought for years to keep my temper under control but that does not mean I do not get upset. It only means I've gotten better at not letting my temper get the best of me. However, I didn't let those comments slide last night as I normally would do. Unfortunately, I did not react in a way that explained why I was upset by such comments. Rather, it just looked like I got angry totally out of proportion (and people could conveniently brush it aside as oh-must-be-PMS).

MM once told me that an adult-based sports club lacks a ready-made volunteer base (aka parents) that most children-oriented clubs have. In order for the club to flourish, it requires dedicated volunteers from club members. Yet with everyone leading such busy lives, it is difficult to recruit any volunteers. MM is a person whose opinion I respect. Since I started skating, my club has provided me with many resources and opportunities to develop into a better skater. For that reason alone, I decided that I want to give back to show my appreciation.

I am offended when I am being made fun of for being responsible, dependable, and organized. Those are valuable qualities which allow me to contribute to the operation of the club. Those are the very qualities that get things done. Volunteering my time and effort is not something that I'm required to do. Standing aside and laughing at people are easy and effortless. However, when was the last time you get anything done without making an effort?

So Tired Of It All

I really don't know what to do. I feel as if there's a huge weight on my chest, so heavy that I can't breath. I am very certain that I do not want to be romantically involved with him (and to be involved with him at all was a mistake). However, having him at the outskirt of my life remains a test of my toughness every day. I cannot yet wrap my head around the idea that there is something so nasty about my personality that made him drop me like a hot potato within the span of one weekend. I really hoped that was not true but when confronted, he only evaded and offered not even a hint of denying. How can I not be convinced I really do disgust him so much?

I am scared that I am really such a horrible person and the only reason my friends have not abandoned me is because they have not yet find out about this other side of me. This has been a fear of mine for as long as I can remember. When he rejected me for, essentially, the core make up of who I am, my worst nightmare came true.

I wake up every morning and pep talk myself into a more cheerful person. I try my best to look at the world around me in a more positive light but I am not sure anymore that I am not fighting a losing battle. I try hard to give as much of myself as I can to my friends and family. Yet the fear that they will find out what a phony I am is looming ever so near. It has already happened once with EG so who's to say if he's with the majority or not? I certainly don't have that unwavering belief in myself right now to say his decision was the exception.

Slaying My Demons

I have been feeling a little better after a successful and fun-filled road trip to Detroit last weekend. I did not let history repeat itself and that by itself felt empowering (such an over-used word). I feel like I take control of my own life once again. Not only that, I did so in an upright and honourable manner.

It is very important that I do not let my stress get out of control. When I feel like myself, it is a little easier to treat him just as one of the many people I meet every day. I do not like how my emotion would be so affected by a person who is not even involved in my life. I still have some de-programming to do but I hope that I am at least making tiny improvements.

I'm still getting over a cold from last Wednesday. I'm itching to bake again but I need to be completely healthy first. I'm no germophobic but I don't feel too incline to treat my friends to my baking when I even have a hint of illness. My next recipe to try should be a gingerbread white chocolate blondie.

I Hope This Is Not A Relapse

Patterns can be down right scary. I have not been feeling good about myself recently at practice and this feeling of negativity is beginning to snowball. The last time I felt in a similar way was back in September before a series of important races and it accumulated into me getting dumped. Of course, being single now, I know that I would not get dumped this time around. However, the very sight of him is giving me all kinds of horrible feeling that something terrible is about to happen. Of course this is an illogical fear but the mind can be a strange little thing sometimes. I must have learned to associate him as a physical representation of rejection, embodiment of the idea that my ailment makes me an unlovable person.

I cannot stand this.

I cannot allow myself to fall into the same trap again yet I do not know what to do. I'm not in a very good place right now.

Confused

In the last few months, I've slowly regained composure in my life...enjoying activities that I engage in and savouring the little things that bring a smile to my face. Those are undeniable improvements. My mood is less affected by what he does nowadays. As for those unavoidable interactions? Well, they are few and far between so I don't have to keep my poker face for long.

However, I have not yet let go of the animosity. I cannot make sense of the rejection and it still leaves me feeling like there is something disgusting about my personality that I have to hide, to correct. It really messes me up because I try so hard to be a fabulous girl in every way possible, every day of my life. It feels like someone is whispering in my ears that I am a phony...I can try all I want but I cannot fool anyone when they inevitably find out the truth.

I am still waiting for my turn to fall out of love. I still care a lot about his well-being and that totally sucks, for lack of a better choice of words. Perhaps it's my imagination but I think I am hearing some snickering. Affections that are unreturned are simply wasteful energy. Besides, caring about a person who causes me so much pain is yet another thing that I cannot make sense of. I need to be smarter than that.

So I've been living in this state of confusion for quite some time. I know what I want but they contradict each other. Strictly speaking, I'm on the right track and eventually these confused feelings will fade into the background so I no longer pay attention to them. Things are not exactly peachy but hey, it's been worse so what is there to complain about?

If Only Food Can Heal...

I've been very worry about EG. However, since we are not even on speaking terms, I did what I thought was appropriate in this situation. I baked him a batch of cookies attached with a heartfelt note and left it at the mailbox of his house. Unfortunately, stupid little me forgot one very important fact. If the cookies did not get picked up yesterday and was left outside all night, chances are they would get hijacked by racoons and squirels in the area. Sigh.

Bah!

I'm confused and sad. This weekend holds some sort of significance to me so it's a little hard to ward off the sadness.

"Stop navel gazing and get back to food already!"

I hear ya. However, my appetite is very much link to how I feel. When I am not feeling happy, I don't feel the urge to eat well or to eat much. It's not terribly exciting to write about bananas and cottage cheese and peanut butter and canned tuna and tofu and raw vegetables. In a way, I'm thankful that I don't live in a state of contentment all that often. Otherwise, I would have grown into a fat woman long ago.

Silence

I did a few things in the last couple of weeks which ensure a "bubble of silence" around me. The verdict is still out if this is really a good thing. However, when I discussed this with a friend of mine, she made an interesting point. She suggested that perhaps being open to the idea of re-establishing communication would help to unknot some of the issues that have been bothering me. It doesn't mean I really need to talk to him, just learn to be comfortable to the idea. I can't say I disagree but at the same time, I don't think it is as simple as that. I can go on and on about my side of the argument but I suppose it all comes down to forgiveness.

Forgiving others is really a way to release myself from many negative emotions. However, I have yet to learn to be kind to myself. Everything that I ever cherish has been results of hardwork. It is my understanding that everything in life, be it work, family, friends, romance, hobbies, I must constantly contribute in order for it to prosper. It does not make sense but my mind sees being kind to myself as an act of weakness, a sign of slacking off. I believe that I need to push myself constantly so I can achieve more in every facet of my life.

There are very few people that I got angry with because only people who are (or were as the case may be) close to me can truly hurt me. I am very fortunate that I am surrounded by people who care a great deal about me. However, I don't know how to forgive those few exceptions because somethings just don't add up. Think about this: a person hurts me, shows no sincere regret, and I go back for more?! I am not a doormat nor a push-over by any means. I really can't justify the act of forgiveness and still be able to look myself in the mirror wtih any self-respect.

I am very confused and the cause of this confusion is not something that I can ignore. Distraction and sweeping things under the rug can only work for so long. Silence is not golden but I don't know what else I can do.

Suffocating

It's been a rough week. Work was stressful but I've learned to manage that quite well in the last few years. Unfortunately, the extra stress added to my personal life result in a few familiar and hard to ignore patterns. I feel like a very unenlightened person groping around in the darkness for a way out. I know what the exit should look like and I know the relief I will feel when I set foot at that door but I can't seem to believe that this exit indeed exists.

I have established a few weeks ago that I cannot see myself being with him long term. This clarity hasn't left me so that's definitely a step in the right direction. I've also come to see that it was not a very good relationship anyway. I swallowed too much tears and put on a brave face more often than I care to count because I really wanted things to go well. Being dumped by him in such careless manner showed me that I just wasn't that important to him. This realization hurts so much because I really did put my heart into building a relationship with him. I thought I found a person who wants to build a relationship with me too but I was wrong. So yes, I know that being free from that relationship is for the better.

However, there's a part of me that wish this is nothing more than a nightmare. I would wake up and everything is alright once again. I am well aware that thing changed and people changed since he broke up with me five months ago so this is only wishful thinking. In fact, I have done everything possible to prevent even a friendship. I do not want to be friends with a person who causes me so much pain. It pains me that I am foolish enough to even wish to be with him again. I hate myself for being so unenlighten.

I know that my sadness is disproportionate but I do not understand why. I know that I should move on already but I do not know why I am still crying. I really don't know what to do.

Turtle Racing

Depending on how well you know me, perhaps you've heard me wax poetic on my fascination with turtle racing. One of my pet projects (pun intended, ba-da-bing) is to build a banked track to race turtles. I'm not in a habit of posting videos on Dessert By Candy that is not filmed by me or my friends but I have to make an exception today. This week on Late Night Wtih Conan O'Brien, there is a segment on turtle racing to decide this weekend's Super Bowl winner. I almost squealed with delight when I saw that on television! Literally, that was my dream come true. Not even a banked track can top rocket racing...

Close Call

One foot. That's the difference today between a normal drive to work and an auto collision.

The traffic signal at the intersection near my house was malfunctioning so there was some backed up traffic. The left lane was all congested but I was clear to go on the right lane. As I pulled my car slowly up to the intersection, I approached an entrance to the gas station on my right hand side. When I said slow, I'm talking about under 20km/h slow. Well, what do you know, this huge SUV from the opposite lane decided that since all the cars on the left lane were yielding, it would stomp on the gas pedal to make a fast left turn into the gas station. I put my foot on the brake immediately and there wasn't even enough reaction time for me to honk. Fortunately, my car came to a complete stop with just one foot to spare when the SUV was smack in front of me. I was sufficiently shaken by this close call.

If a collision did happen, I know full well that the driver of the SUV would be at fault. However, that's really no consolation because it would still be a bad collision!! I typically don't mind driving but this was certainly one of those occasions that I think teleportation is a fantastic idea.

Cute Toy

DN recently came back from a trip to Japan and bought some cool toys. This is one of his purchases which I find highly amusing. Too bad it really doesn’t do anything other than entertain. Think of the possibilities! It could have been such a cool devise for email/IM notification. In the very least, how about a USB drive?

Feeling Strong Today

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me but I am glad that I have now settled on feeling stronger than I've been in many weeks. The wise words of AL have finally taken meaning even though those are things that I know all along. I believe in my gut feeling again, something which I compromised far too long.

So what exactly was the magic bullet? I tried to imagine what life would be like with him 2, 5, 10 years from now. I know that I simply cannot live like that. As much as I may seem confused of what I want in my life, I am very clear on what I don't want. In the last ten years, I work very hard to become who I am today. I seek out opportunities to broaden my horizon and I face challenges head on even though deep within, I am scared and uncertain. I experienced great losses yet I am blessed with the strength to carry on. In my limited capacity, I strive to become the best that I can be. Those are all important values to me which I cannot compromise.

I know that a healthy relationship should involve mutual respect and bring out the best in each other. He or she should be a person who helps me grow and grow with me. For the time being, it doesn't matter to me anymore what he does. The chain that he held onto my emotion has been temporarily broken and I am feeling free once again. I will try to hold on to this freedom for as long as I can...I'm really tired of crying already.

Retail Therapy

I went to J-Town yesterday and came back with lots of junk food. I guess that's my retail therapy. I bought a box of limited edition green tea flavour Meltyblend, some roasted sweet potato cookie sticks, black sugar crunchies, assorted sembai, and soft chewy black sesame caramel. All of these junk food has some sort of personal significance to me. The simple act of buying them and bringing them back home seem to make me feel a little better though a very sad at the same time. What's not helping is the fact that it was exactly a year ago this weekend when I confessed to him in my usual direct fashion that I like him very much. I obviously can't eat any of them. I'm going to have to look for a good home for my new purchases.

I unwisely re-read some of the old correspondences, especially the ones we exchanged in the midst of the first break-up.  I am really heartbroken. There were goodwill and intentions to work things out. None of those was present this time around, only animosity and hostility. He made it clear from get go that he wanted out and how keen he is about moving on. And now he's shown me how he already moved on.

I know that all these boohoo'ing is making my loved ones worry. However, I really do need to rant and I am really heartbroken. It takes time for me to get well...a long and painful period but I have no doubt that I eventually will. I understand the good intention when I'm being told that he is not worth it. However, I really can do without the extra stress of feeling that I am not even ALLOWED to be sad. I am a slow one...it takes me a long time to undo all the emotional investment that I made in the last year for caring about another person so much. Please support me in this difficult time but hold off your judgement until I get stronger. Trust me, I know. I really do.

It Finally Happened

My worst fear has come true. No wonder he is so keen on moving on. I am deeply hurt by everything that ever happened. I guess I'll figure out what to do after I'm done crying (but the tears can't seem to stop).

Premonition

I am feeling the imminence of bad tidings. Last time I felt this way, I was in a similar situation when I learned of a pending nuptial. I am bracing for the worst now. For some reasons, I see images from the movie Good Luck Chuck flashing through my mind. This is as good a reason as any for me to get out of the whole dating game, though of course my decision was based on much more sound reasoning.

Anyone with any intelligence knows that what's done is done. I am heartbroken about all that happened but I am not foolish enough to think that I have the power the change the past. The past are lessons to be learned so that I can build a better future, a future which is within my power to change.

No more sorrow, no more pain. Given enough time, I will get there.

Alright

Despite my recent spluttering of doom and gloom, I am alright. Yes, I am still very sad because of him. However, more than anything, I hate to butt my way to a place where I am not wanted. And I know exactly where I am not wanted.

My recent resolution will lead me to live my life the way I want to live. I know that I am doing something positive, something that is good for my wellbeing. Romance and its trouble will be far behind me soon. For the time being, this is only a stumbling block that I am sure to overcome. My emotions will no longer be tethered by people who do not care about me. I am surrounded by people who do care and I am one fortunate girl.

Sad

I am very sad. I was never more than a negative experience to be forgotten and left behind. However much I wish that he would ask me back, it never even cross his mind. After all this time, it still hurts so much because I still care very much. After all these months, I am still crying.

I think I'll go shovel my driveway now. I think tears freeze in the cold.

Interesting...

It's just come to my realization that I repulse him. How else to explain the recent string of happenings? I wouldn't be surprised to hear if he threw away the Christmas gift I gave him too. Haahaa. This is certainly an interesting turn of event.

I learn my lesson. Asking the object of my affection out and be totally honest about my feelings are both very bad ideas. Good thing those kinds of worries are behind me now.

An Amusing Night Out

I went to my company's holiday party last night and had quite an amusing time. After a week of frantic holiday baking (Woohoo! All done!), I was on a tight schedule to get ready for the party. I first had my hair styled straight, went for a makeup session at Christian Dior, got dressed, and then rushed to the venue with only a few minutes to spare. I was quite happy with my outfit, particularly the accessories. It doesn't leave me self-conscious or fidget with uncomfort which turned out to be rather important because it was a long night out.

A year later, still stylish, still goofy. Picture courtesy of Danny Ng.

Not long after the dancing began, a bunch of us left the party to go to Circa. I had the following, hmm, interesting conversation with a girl in my group.

[thumping dancing music]

Girl: So, what colour do you prefer?

Candy: Huh? Dark...I guess?

Girl: No, white/yellow/brown/black?

Candy: Huh? You totally lost me...

Girl: You know, for guys? What colour do you prefer?

Candy: Oooooooh, that's what you meant....

There is a time and place to explain my current stance about dating guys but a loud dance club where I can barely make out what the other person's saying is definitely not it. So for the remainder of the night, DN joked to see if I could get picked up by any girls. Haahaa. Somehow, I don't think Circa is the place for that either.

Sometimes, I do appreciate being girl. When we were in the line-up to get into the club, the guy in front of me asked if I want to be his date because he had a no-cover pass for two. When we got to the entrance, the bouncers just waved me past the line where they pat you down. Yes, there's definitely some perks about being a girl.

Me and the guys at Circa. Gotta love 4 inches heels. Picture courtesy of Danny Ng.

No More Bridges To Burn

I sent him a note against my better judgement. That note basically sealed the deal that there's absolutely no goodwill between us. I'm feeling torn about this. On one hand, I finally achieved what I have set out to do. On the other hand, I wrote my note with the hope that he would deny what I said. Well, surprise surprise, he did not play along. I suppose the lack of denial means he really does agree with me...my fear has come true.

I need to surround myself with people who appreciate me for who I am and I am sad that he's not one of them.

Remedy

This may not make much sense but I do have a systematic way of dealing with post-break up blues. Every time I miss him, I sever one of the ties I had with him. I figure I will eventually stop missing him or I will run out of connections, whichever comes first. The process of cutting off all ties hurts and soothes at the same time. It hurts because I do the exact opposite of what I want. It is soothing in a twisted way because if it hurts this much, it must be good for me.

I've been quite miserable lately so I finally had the guts to resign from a project which we started. I've been reluctant of letting this project go but it is an inevitable outcome which I only tried to delay. Now that I've resigned, I'm feeling a sense of relief. It's not the good kind of relief though...just crossing yet another item off the list. I am slowly running out of items on that list to cross. I want to get well soon.

Words That Catch Your Attention

Back in the days of co-op placements in university, we had the pleasure of going through a full-blown job search experience every eight months. Updating resume is of course on the to-do list every time and we quickly learned words that would catch the employers attention. One of such phrases is "motivated self-initiator". Whether that was really such a good idea is best left for discussion on another day. However, I do try to live my life as a person who makes things happen.

There are many ways to make things happen. Most of them involve doing things out of my comfort zone. I love the rush of adrenaline when I just finish what I set out to do and the following suspense of waiting for the outcome. It is a very tangible moment when I know that I am living and that my action directly affects the consequence. I live for those moments. There are too many things in life that I cannot change. So why not put my ideas to the test for a change?

When was the last time you made something happen?

Change Of Heart

It's pretty amazing how feelings can change so quickly. This must be nature working its magic to let me heal. Similar to a physical cut, a heartbreak evolves into different stages of pain until it eventually just becomes an inconvenience. Here's a timeline in the last few weeks.

minus 6 days: He left me sitting there crying.

minus 3 days: Okay, I have slow reaction but what kind of bf does that?! Better talk to him about this face to face before weekend road trip.

minus 2 days: Circumstances didn't allow for an opportunity to clear the air before road trip. Combining with many other things going on in my life, it looked like I was falling into a phase of depression. I was still in denial though.

minus 1 day: Depression was getting out of my control but I was stuck in that road trip with him. Avoiding all contact so I wouldn't say anything I would regret. Sigh, all I really wanted was a hug and that would make everything okay. Alas, he seemed determine to irritate me instead. Fine. I must distance myself from him.

break up day: Getting more depressed by the hour and battling those irrational but familiar thoughts drained every ounce of energy from me. Why was I still stuck on that road trip? Finally returned home and had a chance to confess about my depression and apologized. He decided to break up with me but he wouldn't abandon me as a friend. What kind of BS was that?! I bawled my eyes out but he was not moved. I drove home in a blur of tears.

plus 1 day: Woke up and cried some more. I was heartbroken.

plus 3 days: His very presence annoyed me. I couldn't stand the sight of him but at the same time I really really missed him.

plus 7 days: What the heck did he mean he didn't know what happened?! I was very ill and he decided to leave. What's so hard to understand about that? Wasn't he the one who dumped me? Sheesh.

plus 8 days: He sent me a note saying he regretted his decision and wanted to turn back the clock. This required face to face discussion. "Maybe Tuesday"?! Hmm, that's not a good sign. Apparently this was not important enough to him to schedule a time. I would give him benefit of a doubt though. I really wanted things to work.

plus 9 days: He totally blew me off. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Sending out a note like that only to back off?! I was pissed.

plus 11 days: Well, if he wasn't coming to me, I would go to him. Coward. What did I want to talk to him about though? I forgot because I totally lost my temper like never before. There's no going back now. He is my enemy for hurting me out of ignorance. He can wallow in his own stupidity for eternity.

I am on the road to recovery. It's been two months although some days are tougher than others. The ultimate goal of course is to remove him from the fabric of my emotion so ceasing all contact is a key objective. Friendship is not out of the question in distant future but it is not something to consider until I heal from this senseless heartbreak. In the mean time, I went from being totally annoyed by his existence to just mildly irritated. I'm sure that, soon, I'll be able to treat him as if he doesn't exist.

You know how people say the 24hr after a disappearance is the key period of which police can gather clues to locate the missing person? Once this window has passed, the chance of ever finding this person again is minimal. I think a similar window of opportunity exists after a break up. After a month, the chance of reconciliation becomes really slim. I believe this window of opportunity has come and gone for that relationship.

To Think Or To Act (This Is Not Mutually Exclusive)

I recently received a somewhat indirect preaching which, from my understanding, accused me of trapping myself in a stalemate of over-analyzing instead of moving forward and be done with it. My first reaction was to take that accusation personally and felt insulted. However, I've given the argument some thoughts and have decided that getting all worked up is about as useful as feeling insulted by a cow that ignored me.

Let me elaborate.

Everybody has a their own unique outlook and approach in life. Some people find it helpful to abstract everything into simplistic ideas and concentrate on one thing at a time. It is therefore tempting to conclude people who analyze everything are stuck in the trapping of their own and are slow or fail to act on their decisions. Being a person who likes to analyze, my mind is constantly spinning with different sides of an argument but at the same time, I put my ideas into action. It's easy to misunderstand that all these arguing back and forth leaves me frozen in a stand still. However, making decisions quickly and sticking with my resolution are also traits of mine. I know what I want in the big picture and this is the basis of which most of my decisions are made. Similar to a lot of goalsetting exercises, smaller goals are simply logical extension of the bigger goals in life. Of course goals are not set in stone. With the changing of time and circumstances, goals change and so do my decisions. That is where flexibility comes in. Does that make me unaware of what reality presents to me? I don't think so. In fact, this constant analysis helps me to identify things that I can change and things that are out of my grasp.

I think that a person's approach in life influences the way they see the world. While someone who excels at one thing at a time fail to see the possibility of simultaneously analyzing, making decisions, and putting words into action, I cannot comprehand all the things that a person is missing out when decisions are made on a whim. It is easy to preach about acceptance, flexibility, adapting to changes. But in the end, how many of us don't end up looking like hypocritical fools? I struggle for years to genuinely accept people for who they are. Although I've made improvements, I find that the closer a person is to me, the harder it is to accept. I can easily smile and nod at an acquaintance's point of view because realisitically, the consequence of his action usually have little effect on me. However, disapproval hurts if it comes from someone I care about.

I do not claim to be wise but these are life lessons which I strive to learn, every single day of my life.

Facing The Truth

Like most people who's been shown the door, I hope from time to time that he would one day call me up and ask for reconciliation.

I know this is only wishful thinking.

Regardless of his reasons for break up in the first place, he had his reasons. Every decision is driven by a motive, even if that motive is merely a whim. There are many things in life which require experimentation and the courage to take a risk. However, there are also many things that one does not "try it on for size" and breaking up is definitely one of those. Sure it really sucks to be on the receiving end but it is a fact that I cannot deny. It is pointless to speculate the reasons because in his world, he treated me as merely one of his many throw away prototypes.

I cannot change other people's action but I have the power over how I want to live. This break up really is a blessing in disguise. I deserve to be with a person who appreciates my strengths. A successful relationship is not about finding my twin. Rather, it is the partnership of two people who complement each other's strengths and weaknesses. Those who belittle my strengths to justify their own action do not deserve my time or emotion.

Time For Tally

I admit that this may not be a very wise thing to do but when a relationship ends, it's hard not to think about the good versus the bad. On one hand, I hope that the good memories outweigh the bad and that it had been a good experience overall. On the other hand, if the tally comes out to be positive, isn't it even more sad that it ended? That's the question I've been pondering in the last few days.

In the last month, my mind was occupied by disappointment, sadness, anger, and a self-imposed rule of not looking back. I know all along that I can truly move on when he no longer matters to me. However, during this period of adjustment, turning him into an antagonist in my life would do just as well. For this reason alone, I did not give much thought to all the good times we shared. Besides, reminiscences would only make me more sad anyway and that's the last thing I need.

However, now that I have moved past much of the bitterness, I can finally revisit some of those memories. Although remembering numbers and dates comes to me naturally, I made a conscious decision to forget all those numbers when we first went out. I dared not risk to be disappointed because I already knew that I was dealing with a person who forgets everything. What I thought was an act of acceptance is actually the beginning of the end. It was the first of countless times when I lowered my expectation to avoid disappointment. It only seems appropriate enough that the relationship was concluded by broken promises and his refusal to stand by me at my time of need. "Foreshadowing" is the word.

Oh wait, there goes my negativity again, isn't it? As I was saying, I'm trying to savour the good things about that relationship. What I remember are vivid memories of our conversations, how my heart pounded with excitement the first time we held hands, the string of events leading up to a first kiss, weekend getaways, traveling to races, wandering along the streets of Toronto and Montreal, sitting on the floor of a hotel room munching on chips after a grueling race, lying by the dying embers of a campfire looking at the stars, and my friends' warm wishes when they found out we were an item. I really did have a great time and I remember those well.

In fact, there wasn't any fights or bickering. I think that was actually the downfall. Instead of fighting and figuring out compromises like most couples do, any bumps on the road inevitably led to break up. It gave me the distinct impression that I was only good enough for him if I stayed on my best behaviour at all times. Anything less, it was dumpsville for me. I asked him to take me back once and it did work out for a while. However, it just does not make sense to beg for a second time. I cannot open my heart to a person who is ready to leave me at the drop of a hat.

On Apology

For a brief moment, I considered writing him a note of apology. However, the more I think about it, the more redundant it seems. Sure I could have been more cordial and keep my thoughts to myself but I truly am not sorry for my actions.

Apology is a means to ask for forgiveness. Do I want his forgiveness? I really don't think so. Apology is also useful as a peace offering. I do not feel the need to make peace either.

Some people apologize in order to alleviate their own guilt. Am I feeling any guilt? No, not really. In most cases, apologies are quite meaningless anyway. "I am sorry" does not carry any weight unless a person sincerely feels what he/she is sorry for and have an action plan to do things differently. That's when an apology actually means something. Forgiveness cannot be earned by uttering three little words.

Alright, I am not apologetic after all.

I was cleaning up some of the old correspondences last night and I came across something that I wrote to him not too long ago. "I have a lot of fun on my own but it is more fun to share it with you". This statement pretty much summed up the positive side of that relationship. I think it is a good thing because that means it was not a complete waste of time (that would be just sad). It is now time to put my focus back on all the fun things that I do and all the amazing places that I explore. Enriching my life is one of the biggest investment that I can make. Unlike a relationship, I can only gain on this kind of investment.

A Result Of Misunderstanding And Miscommunication

I was talking things out to SL today because in the last few days, I really miss EG and that bothers me. I think these are simply leftover feelings and part of the obstacles on my road to recover. One of the things that I firmly believe in since the break up is that he chose to call things off and he chose to avoid me when I tried to speak to him. This perspective is likely skewed but it helps me to hold tight to my resolution of not crawling back to beg him to take me back.

I take break ups very seriously. In fact, the second he blurted out those words, my attitude turned from genuine to defensive. He becomes a person who causes me pain and must be removed from my life entirely until I get well. I feel the need to burn all my bridges so much so that I asked him to promise me that he would never be romantically involve with me ever again. Since then, I go out of my way to show my displeasure of his very presence when we inevitably meet. I believe that I can only get well if I no longer feel any affection for him.

However, at the same time, I do miss him and I just want everything to be alright. Logic tells me that little voice does not help me to recover though. Instead, I convinced myself that this is an opportunity to escape from a relationship which is doomed to fail. Besides, the only person who can undo a break up is the one who suggests the break up in the first place. The fact that he has not reach out to me is proof enough that he truly wants to leave.

After listening to my thoughts, SL said to me "Your break up is a result of misunderstanding followed by miscommunication." That relationship was not as doom and gloom as I have myself believe it to be. The events leading up to the break up put EG in the unenviable position to initiate. And since then, I have been behaving in such a way to prevent any possible reconciliation.

I think SL's analysis is a fair assessment of the whole situation. However, "fair" does not make me feel better, only time will. I want to get well and I want to get well fast.

Still Waiting

I do not like feeling angry, especially when the anger is directed at one particular person. It just seems like such a futile waste of energy. Unfortunately, telling myself how I should feel is much easier said than done. My logical nature finds much to be angry about. I went into a relationship with every intention to work on it, to accept, to support, to love. Then why is it that his first reaction is always to flee, to give up, to break up?

It all boils down to he did not care enough. What's that cliche saying? Ah, "he's just not that into you".

It is a bitter pill to swallow but better to know it sooner rather than later. What I do not understand is, does he realize the gravity of the words "break up"? This is not a bargaining chip to be thrown around lightly. What goes through a person's mind to decide that "I did not like the way you acted this past week so let's break up"? Shouldn't this be a decision worthy of some thoughts considering how much time we both invested?

I do not like feeling sad either, but it seems to be a little out of my control recently. This is particularly difficult as I'm being told by a few friends that this person is not worthy of my sadness. It is okay to be sad about the dissolution of a relationship, but it is not okay to be sad about him. Do I have to be analytical even when I am sad?

There are many things that I miss about that relationship but it just sounds like a rambling list of sappy excuses. I must stay strong because there is no point in feeling sad about an unhealthy relationship. A relationship should help me grow, to become a better person. A healthy relationship should be rewarding. Lowering my expectations and upping my tolerence in order to hide my disappointment does not lead me to a person who truly cares about me.

I realized today that I still feel angry and sad because I still like him. However, having said that, I know that those are merely leftover feelings that will expire with the passing of time. Like gardening, as long as I stop nourishing and feeding these emotions, they will fade away. I am still waiting for this day to arrive but in the mean time, I'll manage. I know how to get well and I will stick to my plan.

I'm Not Sure What To Think

For the first time, I removed a contact completely out of my primary networking portal. In days gone by, I guess people would have a little bonfire to burn all photographs and correspondences. But in this day and age, deleting image by image and wallpost by wallpost just seems more tedious than ceremonious. The sentiment is the same but without that spectacular blaze to signify burning my past away just seems a little lacking.

I never thought that I would be the type to do such childish things. However, this break up left behind lots of frustration so I need to channel this emotion into energy to do something, anything. There is no betrayal nor hurt, only a simple rejection. A rejection so pure that I refuse to do anything about it anymore. When he refused to accept me, worts and all, I was very diappointed. Sure there were moments when I was tempted to reconcile, so much so that I asked to speak face to face, with every intention to make nice. However, when he blew me off time and again, I finally came to my senses. I was dealing with a person who no longer wants to have anything to do with me. Lingering on the past would only hinder me from facing the future.

The sad thing is, I know that I did my very best to earn his affection. I was supportive throughout his quest to win his biggest race of the season in every way possible, from training to preparation to solving pre-race emergencies to race day support. When he was stressed out, I helped with easing up his to-do list...I took care of things which I can do in his place, I told him that my requests can wait. I have no regrets as far as how I could have done better. However, now that everything is said and done, I finally realize that I was the obstacle in his life...I ate into his time on training, hobbies, work, oh heck, even house cleaning. I lost out to cleaning out the basement?! That sounds even more ridiculous in words than in thoughts.

I am relieve that the worst is over now. It was nice to be with someone who is passionate about what he does. Unfortunately, when a person's passions take priority over a relationship, I must recognize the signs and high tail out of there next time.

Life as a single girl will take a bit of getting used to but I have confidence in me.

Some Things Are Harder To Explain Than I Thought

KGR is shopping for a ricecooker and he asked me today about the capacity. My Chinese background means that I practically grew up with one or more ricecookers in the house so I proceeded with an explanation.

CW: Every ricecooker comes with a little measuring cup. You use it to measure out the raw rice and you match the amount of water needed for your rice with the corresponding marking on the rice cooker.

KGR: So when a ricecooker says it has a 3-cup capacity, what does that mean? Does it mean it takes a maximum of 3 cups of raw rice or it makes a maximum of 3 cups of cooked rice?

CW: Well...erm....neither, actually. That measuring cup is not quite as big as a standard baking measuring cup so you definitely don't want to lose it. EVER. My family likes to keep it in the rice container. But....erm....the capacity more or less means the number of cups of raw rice it can take. More or less.

KGR: When you said it's not as big, you mean by how much?

CW: Hmmm, good question. About 80%? I guess?

KGR [Google]: Actually, it's 75%. Hey, you're not too far off the mark!

For something as simple as ricecooker capacity, I didn't realize it requires such a lengthy and ambiguous explanation until I had to actually put it in words. It is a good example of how things that I take for granted can seem so foreign to people coming from a different background. Vive la difference.....?

New Addition To The Family

For those of you who read the description of my travel pictures, you may already know that my beloved Sony DSC-T9 camera was the unfortunate victim of a minor spill at the Ice Hotel which left me with a big bruise on my thigh. Other than a broken LCD, the camera was functioning fine. However, as it does not have a viewfinder, I was left with shooting blind for the remainder of my trip. Heck, I was surprise that most of my pictures turned out alright after all because I took "point-and-shoot" quite literally.

Ever since I came back to Toronto, I've been on the look out of a new compact camera. Being a satisfied user of both the T3 and T9, I had my eye on the T10 and T20. As luck would have it, I spotted a sale of the T10 at only 75% of what I paid for my T9 less than a year ago. I knew for sure that I would come home with a new camera today. Now, the question remained was colour. It was a decision between the black and the pink because I don't want a silver camera. Both my old cameras were black and I really wanted to continue this family tradition. However, considering that both met an early demise (my T3 got stolen in the most flamboyant manner), I got a little superstitious...perhaps I should stay away from getting yet another black camera. I made a few phone calls to check for availability and well, I would need to travel far to get the black one anyway. I think fate is telling me to get a pink camera.

When the store clerk took the camera out of the box, I muttered under my breath "oh gawd....so pink". He mistook my dismay for excitement which I quickly pointed out. I'm actually a little embarrassed about owning yet another piece of pink electronic device. You see, all I need now is a pink mobile phone to complete my collection of pink iPod and pink camera, the holy trinity of a modern girl survival kit. I can't help but to feel like a poster girl for female-consumer-who-knows-squat-about-tech-but-would-spend-money-on-a-pink-gadget.

On the bright side, I'm quite certain none of my male friends would even consider borrowing my camera. Ha!

Confusion and Resolution

I don't live to please but things that my close friends and family say to me matter a lot to me. In recent times, some of these well-meaning comments and criticisms are causing me some confusion and I'm not sure what to make of them. I don't necessarily agree with all of them but I suppose they do reflect fragments of how they perceive me. Sometimes, my inner voice protests loudly with "you're not me, how can you possibly tell me what I am feeling?". At other times, my judgement whispers "perhaps they do know best with the perception of a unbiased observer".

Some comments are obviously harder to swallow than others. The voices stay in my head for months at times. I continously question myself am I upset by the comment because it is not true? Or perhaps because I cannot face up to any criticism? Or may be because it conflicts with my own more idealized perception? The person who made that comment, how well does he/she know me? How much is he/she aware of the entire situation? That is a lot of questions that just wouldn't go away.

All of these voices in my head culminated to a few resolutions that I made today. One of which is that I want to be a more likeable person. I do that by first being more judicious of what I say. Navel-gazing should be a private activity at best and honestly, nobody needs to be subjected to such boring details anyway.

Learning Something New About Myself

It just occurred to me today that my approach to life is one of the reasons why things turned out the way they turned out. Instead of allowing my life to unfold and welcoming people into my life, I have a grand masterplan. I have very clear objectives to achieve. I try to achieve these objects by engaging in activities, meeting people, and changing the way I think. Everything that I do is an attempt to put a missing piece of puzzle in the big picture which I believe is the way I should end up. Along the way, I kick people out of my life who don't fit the criteria...instead of letting them in and see how my life would change because of them. I also weed out emotions and feelings that make me feel inferior. I am very determine to get what I want for the sake of determination.

Objectively speaking, this is a very foolish way of living. I know that I am on course to get what I want in the most efficient manner. However, things that I want, are they really things that I need? I'm not very sure sometimes and I am contemplating this issue now. However, typical of me, I can quickly reason my way out of my doubts so that such moments of hesitation usually don't last for long.

I don't think I would like to change my approach. However, realizing that it may be the root cause explains a lot. I am able to navigate through my life efficiently and in a relatively painless manner. I need this unwavering conviction that I am heading in the right direction more than ever because I'm starting to realize that history is repeating itself. It is especially true if I keep on getting involved with people who prefer to react to what life throws at them.

A Sad Box Of Chocolate Indeed

Never have I imagined that I would look at a box of absolutely delicious truffles from Teuscher and feel sad. I received this belated Valentine's Day gift not too long ago. What made me really happy was not that it was from Teuscher, rather, it was the fact that he remembered my preference for chocolate from previous conversations. Key to a girl's heart is to pay attention.

I have taken my time to savour these truffles, enjoying at most one piece a day. Unfortunately, it made me very very sad today to realize that I have yet to finish these chocolates. Chocolate can be very bitter when mixed with a cocktail of sadness and disappointment. The taste of these chocolate melting in my mouth used to fill me with joy and contentment. It was a feeling of knowing that someone was thinking of me. However, it is now replaced by a sense that I'm all hollow inside. Food can ilicit such powerful memories and feelings...no wonder Proust and his madeleine have been praised over and over again.

I Prepared For The Worst But...

Was it stupid of me to tell you of my priorities? I must say it is a resounding yes. However, I dont' want to be deceiving nor do I want to give you illusions. People often ask me why am I so certain of my priorites because after all, priorities can chanage over time. All I can say is, at this point in time, I cannot visualize in any forseeable future that I would change.

The reality of your decision hasn't hit me yet so I'm still living in that blissful void before I fully realize how much it hurts. It's not unlike that rush of adrenaline when I fall and can't feel the pain from the wounds yet. Perhaps I really shouldn't have told you...it would have been wonderful to bask in the warmth of a budding relationship for just a little longer. However, I know very well that it would simply be borrowed time and the inevitable moment will arrive when I break under the beating of my conscience. I do not want to mislead you.

Too much happened in this last weekend. The amazing time we spent together only made this recent change of event all the more difficult to bear. Stupid stupid me.

I Was Upset And You Weren't There

I am very capable of handling tough situations. However, it doesn't mean that tough situations don't upset me. Remembering my adolescence, I learned to be independent and invulnerable, taking up the role as the "man of the house". I learned that there is merit to proximity. My dad lived half way across the globe in a different timezone. By the time that we got to chat on the phone, all the drama and all the emotions have already been dealt with. It was a mere routine report to keep everyone up to date.

Going out with you is stirring up all those memories which I would rather bury. When I was sick and feverish, I left you a message because I wanted to talk to you and to know that you care. But when you finally got in touch with me half a day later, my fever had already subsided and I was buoyed by the love and care of my family and friends. The moment when I was most vulnerable was already long gone.

I was very upset today by things beyond my control. I let you know that I was incapable of making weekend plans because I was so blinded by anger and frustration. Again, I needed you and you weren't there. When you finally got in touch with me hours later, I saw that you did not understand how much the situation upset me. My friends did...they came to me in my hour of need. I'm certain that when I tell you what happened today, it would merely be a lighthearted report, perhaps even funny depending on my storytelling talent.

I don't know what to make of this. Obviously something is amiss. It's not like I bottled up without telling you a thing and then blamed you for not reading my mind. I told you that I needed you but the message just didn't register any urgency on your mind. You probably don't understand how much this is troubling me. It is setting off all kinds of alarms in my head and frankly, it is strike two. I really like you but these are warnings that I cannot ignore.

You made me feel like I'm to face the world on my own and that is not how I want to live my life. If I want to face the world alone, I can do that without getting involved with you.

Getting Sick Can Really Throw Me Off

Since I last posted, I have been sick the ENTIRE time. I don't know how this bout of flu could turn out to be so bad but needless to say, I wasn't myself in the last few weeks. Now that I think about it, I felt like lots of things happened but at the same time, lots of time was wasted on nothing. Sure feels very strange.

An opportunity has come up recently for me to join the most competitive team in my dragonboat club. I'm thrilled about this invitation but it also means that my summer schedule will be hectic with all the training and competitions and regattas combined. I feel very driven....to exhaust myself until I break down. It's a strange thought that's a little disturbing to me. Anyhow, off to my first dragonboat team meeting! I'll post some fun stuff tonight about dessert and Carnaval at Quebec City.

Feverish Rambling

I suppose it is true that a person is more vulnerable when sickness hits. If my mom is still with me, now would be the perfect time for me to be her little girl and enjoy the luxury of being taken care of by a love one. What I wouldn't give to just tagging along by her side, chatting about anything and nothing at all. I really miss her.

Well, I can't turn back time.

Failing that, having a significant other who would ask how I'm doing would be nice. Unfortunately, I don't think I actually have a "significant other" at this point. Going on casual dates is fun and all but at the end, it also involve mustering enough energy to present myself in the best possible light. Come to think of it, I don't think I can even send a "I miss you" message without looking too imposing. My brain does not feel like functioning so coming up with a lighthearted witty message that wouldn't be taken the wrong way is just too much work. Sigh, so much for living the life as a fabulous single girl.

Fortunately, I do have a lot of friends who care. I've been receiving lots of "get well soon" messages in the last few days and I am very touched by the sentiments.

Planning my meals when I'm sick is a tricky problem because planning and cooking require...energy. A few years ago, when I was on my own for the first time, I got through my first bout of flu by surviving on meal-replacement drinks like Ensure. At the time, I thought it was the most brilliant idea. Needless to say, I lost 10lbs after that little failed experiment. To this day, the metallic taste in the drink still gives me goosebumps.

Lost My Voice

I've been fighting a nasty cold in the last few days and it appears that I'm losing the battle. It's been a while since I last gotten sick like this but fortunately, there's no sign of fever. It certainly feels very strange to be weak all over--like all the strength has been drained from my body.

With a massive case of sore throat, I really don't feel like eating much. Luckily, FR suggested that we go for congee and that's exactly what I had for dinner last night after ice practice. I love congee with slices of fish, blood jello, and lots of cilantro...it is truly comfort food to me.

I don't think I respond well to my cold medication though. Regardless of what the packaging say, cold medication makes me drowsy. My drive to work yesterday was a blur and I fell asleep on the couch last night while waiting for my laundry and roasted sweet potato to finish. By the time I woke up at 5 in the morning, I stumbled to sort out my laundry but was puzzled with the smell of cooking in the house. I didn't recall the house smelling like food before I dozed off...and then I realized the sweet potatoes were still roasting in the oven!!! After over 6 hours of roasting, some parts were inedible but miraculously, most of the potatoes survived. I just had two and they actually don't taste half bad.

Now that I'm fully awake, I don't know if I should go back to sleep. This disruptive sleep schedule can't possibly be good for recovering from my cold.

Exhausted

My time is all chewed up by training, work, and the occassional social activities so food has not exactly been at the forefront of my attention recently. It would be so nice to just sit and stare at the wall for no reason other than letting my thoughts drift.

There are a lot on my mind recently. I think things are generally on the upswing and I see lots of positive signs. I know myself well enough that all these feelings of wanting to spend time with you (I don't really care what we do), of simply being around you have to mean something. I am not an open book but I choose to be completely honest, if only you would ask. However, I'm a little worry that I'm reading too much and all the perceived positive signals from you are merely fabrications of my imagination. Please tell me that I'm not imagining things.

That's a lot of mumble jumble.

I've seen some questionable behaviours from people around me recently and such behaviours worry me. Whatever happen to being considerate of other people's feelings? I believe that what goes around comes around so being intentionally hurtful like so is something that I cannot bring myself to do.

In general, I get along well with most people around me but lately I've been having a hard time with a few individuals in particular. There are people who refuse to accept other people's ideas; there are people who give off a vibe of competitiveness without any provocation; there are people who are genuinely nice and friendly except that I simply can't talk to them (I think the rhythm of our conversations was like syncopation...it was never where I expect it to be).

As you can tell, I'm a little grumpy today.

Because I Don't Know How Otherwise

I had a really great time on Saturday. I had been thinking of asking a few questions in the last couple of days but wasn't quite if I had the guts to ask nor was it the right time to ask. In the end, I just went right ahead and did it my way. I'm quite certain that there are better approaches. For example, I can just imagine how some of my friends may comment that I'm letting the other person have all the power to control the situation. However, to me, it is not about scheming to gain the upper hand. I prefer instead to make myself clear on where I stand and he can decide on what to do with that information. It's a direct yet passive way of handling things. In a way, I feel very relief because I've done my part well and now I can watch the rippling effect of my action. Of course there's a chance that I'll be disappointed but such is the fact of life. In the mean time, I'm very happy with the way things unfolded, unconventional though it may be.

Things To Do At 5AM

I woke up from my "nap" at 5am this morning only to realize that I had yet to finish doing my laundry. Normally, 5am is not wake-up time for me. More often than not, it is the hour which I go to sleep in earnest or crawl back into bed from an unintentional nap on the couch. However, by the time I sorted out my laundry, I was fully awake so I decided to do something useful instead. To start, I switched to a new set of bearings for my skates which has been lying around since I received them in the mail two months ago. I can't believe I have been training with the set of bearings that I borrowed from my brother's rec skates since the indoor season started back in November.

It was only 6:30am when I finished with my skates. I took one look at my kitchen counter and spotted the loaf of stale brioche, prime for bread pudding. I decided to make Regan Daley's Brioche Bread Pudding With Poached Quince And Dried Cherries. I've used this recipe numerous times in some variations in the past but today is actually the first time that I have all the ingredients as listed. The poached quince has been sitting patiently in my fridge, waiting for the perfect opportunity to be turned into a marvelous dessert. I still have lots of dried sour cherries that I bought at a bargain price at Costco. I think this bread pudding is meant to be.

Having bread pudding for breakfast seems a little indulgent, isn't it? If you think about it though, it actually makes a lot of sense. This bread pudding is just a mixture of bread (brioche), eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and fruit (poached quince and dried cherries). Doesn't that read like any normal breakfast menu?

You can't believe how nice it feels to sip on my morning coffee with the sweet scent of baking custard swirling around the house.

Ooo, It's A Lot Of Work

True to my words of "smile and look pretty", I spent a bit of effort to get dolled up for the company Christmas party last Friday. I've been known to get ready from bed to door using only 10 minutes including shower. However, getting ready for a party took considerably more time than I expected. Here's a timeline of my hectic beauty schedule:

15:00 shower, put on contact lens, blow dry hair at home

15:45 get my nails done at salon next door. This is only the second time ever that I wear nail polish because my hands are in miserable shape from the holiday baking.

16:30 get my make up done by Christian Dior make up artists. Woohoo for free promotional events! Love love love the funky look...must be the strong purple in the eye and the blue tint in the lips.

17:15 put on dress, necklaces, stockings, and shoes. Pack my evening purse and don't forget the perfume.

18:00 all done! Out the door!

So you see, that is a lot of work but I'm shallow so I was feeling flirty because I thought I looked pretty [shrug]. It was fun to play the role of a flirt though. Left to my own devices, I have a tendency to be quiet and reserved at parties. However, since I was determined to play the part well, I worked hard at flexing those social muscles. I remembered a good flirt once told me that flirting means making the people around you feel good about themselves and it should be indiscriminate. Wise words indeed...

It was a lot of fun to step out of my every day persona for a change.

That's me with DN just before I left for another party with a few friends. I wanted a goofy picture so I said let's do the sunshine....DN was a good sport and reluctantly agreed. The picture came out goofy as expected but I really liked it because I looked so happy and he looked so embarrassed.

Edited 12/13/2006: A few people have asked me where I got the dress. It was made by Helen Wang and I bought it a couple of months ago at Mendocino, a local boutique in Toronto. Wang's fall/winter 2006 collection has a number of similar empire waist pleated chiffon dresses which are very flattering to most body types.

Calvacade Of Lights

I went to Nathan Phillips Square on Saturday evening to check out the Calvacade Of Lights. I had such a good time because it was one of those occasions which the company is more important than the activity but it certainly helps that this is an activity that I enjoy. I love to be surrounded by the festive atmosphere yet not quite being a part of it. It felt like I was embraced by the excitement emmanating from everyone around me.

I do love to stare at bright lights such as twinkling Christmas trees and fireworks. I felt so lucky that I was walking around with someone who didn't mind sharing my silly fascination for an evening. The chill in the air and the brisk wind did not bother either. Rather, they reminded me my favourite season is finally in full swing.

I love winter in Toronto.

It Was Suppose To Be Easy...

...at least that's what I've been told. There's a Chinese saying that goes when a guy pursues a girl, he has to overcome a mountain; when a girl pursues a guy, all she has to do is to lift a curtain. I'm not so sure. I think either this saying does not hold any ancient wisdom or perhaps our society has come a long way since then in terms of gender equality. So far, all of my efforts have either sunk like stones or perceived as friendly gestures. On the bright side, I haven't been flat out rejected yet. However, thinking with a glass half empty attitude, perhaps this is his way of rejecting tactfully.

Interestingly enough, I received plenty of advices recently on how to pursue girls from a number of male friends. Who knows, may be I'm subconsciously following these advices and am now thinking like a guy. Oh, that would be, shall we say, less than ideal.

For The Holiday Seasons, We'll Do Anything...

The holiday season is upon us and of course it means we get bombarded with "special holiday edition" of everything imaginable. My recent favourite is the Tim Horton's coffee cup design with a cheerful illustrated scene of winter wonderland. I especially love the two snowmen toasting each other with a steaming cup of coffee in their hands...are they suicidal or something?!

Another favourite of mine is the Coca Cola polar bears and penguins commercial. The furry little animals are so cute and adorable, no? Well, they are except that it doesn't make any sense at all. When I saw that commercial for the first time in a movie theatre, I immediate pointed at the screen and exclaimed "That would never happen! Polar bears and penguins live across the globe. They can't possibly meet!". When the bears slid across the snow to be among the penguins, I thought to myself "Mmm, buffet". However, I still love this commercial despite of its complete lack of common sense. After all, it's the holiday seasons and everybody is entitled to do what they need to do to give us that warm and fuzzy feeling, don't you think?

My Best Isn't Good Enough

It really sucks (for lack of a more articulate description) to think that I made a great impression only to realize that my best just isn't quite good enough. Of course, impression is a very subjective matter. Perhaps I was at my best but I'm just not up to the expectation. This is the exact reason why I majored in math and chose a career in the software industry. Right/Wrong exist in this world that I chose. Yet, at the same time, it allows a large degree of creativity to reach this absolute conclusion. Unfortunately, interaction with people does not have this element of simplistic elegance. It's never about right/wrong. It's all about I feel, I think, I'm under the impression, I I believe, I interpret, I like, I hate, none of which are objective.

For a few hours, I really thought I did everything right to get what I want.

Take A Deep Breath And Jump

Just as the title suggested, I did exactly that today. I can keep on thinking and weighing the pros and cons over and over but I decided to take action instead. Probably not one of my most brilliant moments but I should be alright. I realize that this is one of the side effects of mulling my plans over with friends. If I keep my mouth shut, I usually just bottle up forever and think of the possibilities. However, once I talk about things in open, I would take action more often than not without any persuasion. After all, I would look like a wuss if all I do is talk, isn't it?

This is not courage by any means. It is just another manifestation of my stubborness.

In A Very Good Mood

So I enjoyed a very busy day today with a facial in the morning, a visit to Ontario Science Centre in the afternoon, dinner at Spring Rolls, and a birthday party at a friend's home at night. It's a little embarrassing to admit but I like my bi-monthly facials. The visit to Science Centre was fun. It has been a long time since I last visited this museum. It is my favourite museum in Toronto because there are so many interactive displays that are fun and educational. The Wired To Win movie at the OmniMax theatre was awesome though I wish that there are more cycling footage. Dinner at Spring Rolls was actually better than I expected (note that I have very low expectation from this establishment). The decor is very trendy. I had a bowl of Pho Saigon and an order of Hourse Spring Rolls. It's not spectacular but I mean, it is really reasonably priced food in a comfortable setting. I can see why business is striving for this chain. Interestingly enough, I ran into BC. We used to work together at Linda. It was rather nice to run into old friends. The party at AL was a nice diversion from my usual routine. I learned to play poker...and hung out with friends from DaBoat.

Phew, that was a lot of tedious details. However, it was just a very long-winded way to say that I'm in a very good mood, better than I remember in a very long time. Well, surprise surprise, it's because of you. I only hope that you think of me the same way too.

Uh Oh...Dumb Idea Strikes Again

I was browing the Halloween event listing from toronto.com and it suddenly seems like a very good idea to do a Halloween event hop on that weekend. I wonder how many events I can manage to visit? Hmm...

Most of the events listed are either kids/family oriented (listen to ghost stories in a historic setting) or singles oriented (costume dance party). I think costume dance parties are fun and all, but I'm actually more interested in ghost stories. Although many of such stories are make-believes or heresay, it would still be somewhat educational to learn more about tales in my hometown. Perhaps I'll put together a schedule/itinerary to visit as many events as I can in some sort of ghoulish get-up (no Super Skater Girl this time).

Speaking of educational, the Ontario Science Centre has a new exhibit Marvel Super Heroes Science Exhibition. This exhibition aims to explore the science of power within the world of Marvel Super Heroes with more than 30 interactive exhibits...how cool is that!!! In the evening of October 28, there's a Super Halloween Sleepover with exclusive access to this exhibition and the new IMAX film Wired to Win: Surviving the Tour de France. Holy cow, an evening of cycling AND super power. I am sooo tempted. I can certainly put my Super Skater Girl alter-ego to good use.

So Much Yet So Little

I was talking to KGR a couple of days ago and he brought up something about acorns and trees. I guess I must had a confused look on my face because he asked if I know what an acorn is. The reas